Conflict can be one of the most significant challenges to creating better futures for our teams, organizations, and relationships. Conflict can be adversarial, icky, drain energy, and an obstacle to progress. However, conflict doesn’t need to be adversarial, it can be generative. Third Thinging is an approach to and practice within conflict we can use to shift the conflict to be less adversarial and more generative.
Roots of Third Thinging
I first learned about third thinging, when discussing the research of Sherry Watt and her team’s research and writing on The Theory of Being. They describe third thinging as an opportunity to shift difficult conversations, particularly around identity and equity, to move from a conflict between the two people to a conversation the two people are having about the issue (racism, misunderstanding, shared challenge, etc.). We can apply third thinging to just about any potentially adversarial situation.
Interpersonal Third Thinging
Many of the individuals I work with share a past, current, or future conflict they are dreading. It may be between them and their supervisor, peer, partner, or child. They dread the conflict because they fear the potential of damage to the relationship, it may bring out the worst in them, or losing power, status, respect, or autonomy. This is where I suggest shifting to third thinging.
First, we imagine the person they may be in conflict with is sitting across a table from them. This is often how it feels and exacerbates the “me vs. them” adversarial aspect where one person will win the conflict and the other will lose. This puts the focus on the conflict between the two people. Who is smarter, more caring, more dedicated, more forceful, etc.
Then, I invite them to imagine getting up and sitting on the other side of the table with the person they may be in conflict with. Next, we put whatever issue, challenge, decision, or difficulty on the other side of the table. This is the third thing they are trying to solve. It might be implementing a new regulation, increasing next quarter’s revenue, or their kids request for yet another sleepover. Rather than imagining the issue as a third person sitting across the table (which can just create a new adversarial dynamic), I invite them to imagine a whiteboard with the issue to resolve written or drawn on it. This writing on the whiteboard further depersonalizes and objectifies the issue, which makes it easier to work with and not take personally. Rather than this being a conflict between person A and person B, it is a problem-solving task about issue C (the third thing).
Many of the folks I work with remark how much better it feels to imagine the two people on the same side of the table. They also share putting the issue to resolve on the board helps them think of new possibilities, problem solve, be solution-focused, think outside the box, and be collaborative, empathetic, and curious with the person they are working on the issue with.
Organizational Third Thinging
We can fall into this us vs. them in groups as well (board vs. senior leadership, managers vs. entry-level staff, student affairs vs. academic affairs, or learning and development vs. human resources). We can put ourselves collectively on the same side of the table and get clear about the issue we are working to resolve. This can open up new possibilities, reduce territorialness, and increase generative thinking to move things forward.
Your Turn
What’s a potential conflict that you are dreading? Can you picture the two of you across the table from each other? Can you imagine getting up and getting on the same side as the person? What shifts? Can you imagine putting the issue you are in conflict about on the whiteboard? What shifts?
