I’m wrapping up a round of individual coaching sessions with some of our Evolve Ascent participants who are AVPs and Deans in higher education. As I reflect on these conversations, one tool comes up in most of them at some point or another: the powerful question, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be effective?”
This is not only a question for my coaching clients. It’s one I return to again and again in my own life. When my buttons are pushed, and I’m upset and reactive, I ask myself: would you rather be right, or would you rather be effective? Most of the time my gut says I’d rather be right. But when I pause and take a breath, I realize I’d rather be effective as a parent, a leader, or a colleague. I might ask myself this question a half dozen times a week. It continues to help me navigate through my reactivity toward a version of myself I can be proud of.
Leadership Examples
Senior leaders I work with navigate versions of this consistently. A leader facing a difficult meeting with a skeptical colleague spends weeks preparing to win the argument, only to realize in our coaching conversation that winning the argument was never the actual goal. Building a positive working relationship and moving a shared agenda forward was. Another leader keeps circling back to a past situation where she was clearly treated unfairly. Her wise mind knows it is time to let it go, but something else keeps relitigating it, still looking for the acknowledgment that never came and never will. A third plans for a high-stakes conversation armed with data and ready to be challenged, not yet noticing that his certainty is closing the very doors he wants to open. In each case, the temptation toward self-righteousness was quietly undermining their effectiveness.
In Practice
Shifting from being right to being effective does not mean being passive or giving in. It means being thoughtful and strategic, focused on the relationship, the decision, and what is best for everyone involved over time. It requires genuine curiosity, openness to new ideas, and a willingness to explore perspectives beyond your own to find the best path forward.
There is nothing wrong with having our buttons pushed and feeling reactive. It is very human, and none of us should feel bad about it. We just do not want to make consequential decisions from that place. So how do we create enough space to choose differently? A breath. A pause before hitting send. Giving it a week so we can respond from our values rather than our frustration.
This question is a starting point, not a panacea. It doesn’t do much on its own without the practices to actually take that pause, and without a foundation of self-awareness to return to when the pressure is on. That deeper work, developing the capacity to consistently show up as the leader you want to be, is what we focus on in our coaching and in the Evolve program.
Proud of Yourself
When coaching clients are facing a genuinely tough decision, I often ask: how could you handle this so that you would be proud of yourself in the long run? The long run might be next week, six months, or ten years, depending on the challenge. That question pulls us toward the best version of ourselves and narrows the gap between our aspirations and our actions.
So the next time you are triggered and feeling reactive, give yourself some grace. Allow yourself to be human. Then ask: if I shifted from being right to being effective, how would that clarify my path forward so that, in the long run, I would be proud of myself?
